Parentification occurs when a child is forced to take on adult responsibilities within their family, often acting as a caregiver or emotional support system for a parent or sibling.
In co-parenting situations, this dynamic has the potential to be especially damaging and difficult to navigate. Whether intentional or not, parentification disrupts healthy child development and can cause long-term emotional and psychological strain. When one parent encourages or allows this behavior, the other parent must act thoughtfully and, at times, assertively to protect their child’s well-being.
The basics
There are two main types of parentification: emotional and instrumental. Emotional parentification happens when a child becomes the confidant, mediator or emotional caretaker for a parent. Instrumental parentification involves assigning adult tasks, such as managing household duties or caring for siblings. In a co-parenting arrangement, this might look like one parent leaning too heavily on the child for support after the separation or expecting them to relay messages and manage household stress.
Children in these situations may appear mature, responsible or “wise beyond their years,” but beneath the surface, they often wrestle with anxiety, guilt and confusion. They may struggle to set boundaries or develop a sense of identity because they are constantly placing their parent’s needs above their own.
If you suspect your co-parent is encouraging parentification, it is important to address the issue in a non-accusatory way. Start by documenting your concerns and observing patterns of behavior. For example, is your child regularly acting as the go-between in communication? Are they expressing worry about adult issues or showing signs of emotional exhaustion?
Next, try to have a calm discussion with your co-parent. Emphasize that the child needs space to be a child and that both parents must shield them from adult responsibilities and conflicts. If communication is difficult, consider seeking legal guidance to better understand your rights and options.
